That's Why I Call Them my Business Socks

I must warn you that this is an extremely long post--even longer than usual. Also, I'm not one to freely divulge much personal information (as opposed to random opinions, which I openly share). I'm not exposing my inner most feelings or anything, but a personal detail I hate to admit to...I'm looking for a job. There, I said it. Something about being "unemployed" makes me feel like a total loser and drain on society. However, I also have to say that I made a conscious decision to quit my last job to find something more stable, long-term, and specific to my interests/abilities. I’ve seen no lasting fruits from my job-hunting labor, and fear that this course will surely lead me down a gruesome path…I see myself in the future writing boring blog posts on a sporadic basis in sweatpants and puff-paint T-shirts, with my 40-plus cats increasingly appearing as subjects of my writing. Until I hit that point, I'll just mention a few thoughts on job hunting:

1. I have a specific type of job in mind that I would enjoy and excel at…a type of job that does exist in Utah, but sparsely. Is it so wrong to do something I enjoy in Utah instead of New York? I'm hoping there's a gray area between dropping everything in life to achieve one goal and giving up a dream to settle for a snuggly rut-of-a-life that's not quite right. Granted, I've definitely thrown around the idea of dropping everything and moving to New York, but I want it to be a choice, a conscious decision. Not my only career option.

2. Is there any way an economy down the crapper can right itself within weeks? I’m not loving the idea of record numbers of applications for every job—that is if there are job postings to begin with. Logically, I understand that it takes time for a recession to run its course and for an economy to recover from it, but is there any way we can kinda just speed this thing along?

3. I’ve succumbed to the fact that job hunting can make you feel like quite a loser, even with evidence to the contrary. A bachelor’s degree seemed pretty great in my mind, but it’s not a big deal when every other candidate has one. My measly experience seems decent for a recent college grad, but up against people with decades of experience, it’s apparently inconsequential.

4. The Resume. The Cover Letter. I think that scooping my eyeballs out of their sockets with a rusty spoon is more enjoyable than creating and updating my resume and cover letter. Just list your skills, education, and experience…simple enough, right? The myriad resume tips floating around out there have made me entirely paranoid about every word and punctuation mark. It seems as though every decision, including whether you use Times New Roman or Georgia as your font, may make or break your chance at an interview. "Helpful" Cover Letter tips include: Give them enough information to want to read your resume, but not too much. Impress upon them your absolute desire to work for their specific company (yet don’t sound too desperate). Show your personality, but remain professional. Lastly, express all of this without being too wordy--the hiring manager has better things to do than read cover letters all day. I'm considering the following for my resume (including the smiley emoticon): "Trust me when I say I’m qualified for this position (since that’s what you're doing anyway). I’ll knock your business socks off and rock your corporate world. Call me :)"

5. Job interview questions have become entirely routine and useless. They've turned legitimate interviews into games of facades where "correct" answers and appearances are valued more than sincerity. A job interview with the typical interview questions is the quickest way to learn absolutely nothing about a potential employee. When asked about personal weaknesses, does anyone answer with something like, “Well, I’m a horrible people person. I don’t get along with anybody, and I’m typically known as the gossip of the office.” Or, how about, “I’m a pretty lazy person. I procrastinate. I trick coworkers into doing my share of a project…” Similarly, questions like “Why should we hire you?” and “What will you bring to our company” just beg for insincere, generic answers. Why does every company have a handful of horrible employees—the lazy office sloth that never does their work, the office jerk that rubs everyone the wrong way? I’ll tell you why—it’s because lame, canned interview questions get lame, canned interview answers. I think it would make more sense to just have a natural conversation with a job candidate for 30 minutes or so, throwing in a few job-specific, sincere interview questions. If the person doing the interviewing can’t get a feel for a candidate with that, then they shouldn’t be doing the hiring.

6. Undue attention is paid to ridiculous details because it’s been drilled into our heads time and again that all of these tiny things matter more than what you actually have to offer. It's not about having positive skills, it's about selling what they're looking for. Sure, every employer would say they want good employees, but I don't think companies are following the correct hiring process to find great workers. That's why every company has its own collection of problem employees--faulty hiring practices ensure faulty employees.

So, in hopes of rambling a bit further, I'm including alternate careers I'm considering for myself:

1. Professional Know-it-All: (I’m a little bit serious about this. And if you know of any companies that truly hire for this sort of thing, let me know asap). Basically, I would hire myself out to go into a company and tell them what they should change. I realize this job exists in some capacity (professional consulting, or something). Or I might just make myself available for when people need to know random bits of info (although as I’m typing this, a certain thing called Google comes to mind). Truth is, I do this free of charge anyway…so if there’s a possibility I could get paid for it…

2. Professional firer. Now, this job truly exists in some capacity also, and I have to give Alicia some credit for this idea too, since we’ve discussed doing this together. This job would especially come in handy right now with all the firings going on. Basically, when a company is firing someone, they call me to do it—they don’t have to face the person. I’ll simply enter the person’s office, and say something like the following, “Mr. John Smith? Your services are no longer needed here. You have 30 minutes to clean off your desk. The company will send you your paycheck in the mail.” I'd stand there with my arms folded, ensuring they didn't cause a scene, then I would "see them out." Simple as that.

3. Professional crafter. You’ll simply give me a call when you want a craft completed. I’ll even keep it a secret if my clients prefer. I’ll deliver the carved pumpkins, decorated eggs, or mosaic pot, then they can display it like it was their own clever little project…I’ve gone ahead and thrown in a sample photo of my egg dying (sneaky way to insert my Easter photos, I know).
You might recognize that the egg in the photo closely resembles myself (I might just specialize in Personal Egg Portraits). Unfortunately, there was a mishap when creating some pants for Angie Egg. The face went fine. Hair, great. But when I was attempting to make some cute little blue pants, a slight slip of the fingers sent Angie Egg dunking into the blue dye—changing my skin from a rosy pink to an ill-looking purple…

4. Miniature Tree Trimmer. I recently returned from a trip to San Diego/Carlsbad. While we were debating whether the trees in Mini Land in Legoland were real or not, we came across some employees trimming them. I think I’d do just fine, nestling myself amid the trees in Mini Land. Though I don’t have previous mini tree trimming experience. Maybe I just need to tell them that I'm a team player and detail-oriented...(note the man near the buildings in the photo)

Warning: Problematic Treats Ahead

In the above photos, you'll see the most difficult treats to prepare in the world. Never mind that one consists of dipping an ice cream cone into cherry sauce, then chocolate, and the other is a matter of dropping a dollop of ice cream into a slushy. Don't be fooled by the seeming simplicity of the treats: they are virtually impossible to prepare correctly on your first try.

Complicated Treat #1: Double-dipped Ice Cream Cone. Tricky part: Dipping the cone in cherry, then chocolate.

Complicated Treat #2: Cherry Slushy with Dollop of Ice Cream. Tricky part: Dropping a blob of ice cream into a slushy.

Our trials and travails with the double-dipped cone go way back--back to a certain DQ in Scipio (or was it Fillmore? I can never remember which is which). An innocent-looking, strawberry-blond teenager was running the register that fateful day. Alicia and I were on our way to Las Vegas and thought we'd stop for a treat. We placed the order as we normally do:

"Can we get 2 small dipped cones? And can you dip them in cherry first, then chocolate?"

The girl looked at us like we were mob bosses asking her to "off someone" for us. She scratched her arm, looked at the coworkers busily working behind her. After finally consenting, she filled the first cone with vanilla like usual, then turned to us for reassurance before the dip of death.

"So cherry and chocolate?"

"Yep. Cherry first, then chocolate."

With our gentle coaxing, she got it right. The coworker who dipped the second cone got a little confused with the order--chocolate then cherry (but we let it slide as it was obviously a first for her). We could feel them eyeing us the whole time we enjoyed our cones.

On the way back from Vegas, the sweet tooth hit again. So, we stopped into the same DQ. For double-dipped cones, again. We placed our order with a different employee this time. As we said, "Yeah, but can you dip it in cherry, then chocolate," the strawberry-blond whipped her head around in shock (she was manning the fryalator--hoping to avoid troublesome guests like us). She took over from there--now experienced with this type of situation. Like the cold-blooded mob bosses we are, we watched to make sure the cones were correctly dipped.

These photos were taken after a recent jaunt to visit some sweet little baby goats. I mean, who doesn't have ice cream cravings after watching baby farm animals? The order went like this:

Ryan: "Can I get a cherry slushy with some vanilla ice cream in it?"

Alicia: "Can I get a dipped cone, but instead of just chocolate, can you dip it in cherry first, then chocolate?"

The girl at the register assured us this wouldn't be a problem, and after the 5 minutes is took her to enter it in the register, an employee emerged from the back with a plain cherry slushy and a dipped cone...in cherry only. Another 5 minutes of pure confusion later, they finally got it right, and made sure they charged an additional $1.00 for the scoop of vanilla ice cream in the slushy. The manager then came out with an order he assumed to be ours, but the 16-year-old employee at the register quickly corrected him. "That's mine," she said.

Are we wrong to ask for two dips--cherry then chocolate? Is it a difficult question to understand? I suppose it won't be a surprise when a new heading appears in the DQ training manual: "Dealing with Mob-boss Customers. You Don't Have to Double-dip." Until that happens, I'm going to continue ordering my troublesome cones. They're delicious, and should you decide to try one for yourself, just remember to gently walk the DQ employee through the process. "Yep, just twist that vanilla onto the cone like usual. Good. Now dip it into the cherry sauce. Good. Now the chocolate..."

Indecent Eggsposure

In honor of the upcoming Easter holiday, I thought I'd share a friendly tale of college, social norms, and boiled eggs.

Certain foods are just not meant for public enjoyment. Sardines. Potently stinky cheeses. And boiled eggs. Though an old classmate of mine never received that memo.

Boiled eggs…It seems to me that this one is obvious. Firstly, I was under the impression that most people who enjoy an occasional boiled egg do so in the confines of their own home so others aren't subjected to the, well, embarrassing stench. Anything that subjects your classmates to unavoidable awkward smells and sounds is better left at home.

Between her regular classroom egg consumption and an inability to quietly slip into class when she was 20 minutes late every day, this classmate of mine proved to be the bane of my Gender and Communication class. She would arrive to class 15-30 minutes late every day with somewhere between 3 and 7 bags/purses in tow. Backpack. Fake Chanel purse. Hot pink laptop bag. Massive coffee or Red Bull in one hand and stinky, inappropriate snack in the other.

Her arrival to class proved to be an ordeal each day. Panting, red-faced, she'd proceed to take 10 minutes to situate herself. Red Bull or coffee was placed on the desk first, then snack. She would then drop her purse, often spilling some of its contents onto the floor. Laptop bag would drop next, then she'd allow the backpack to slide off her shoulders into a loud heap on the floor. She would then rearrange her bags, dig out her laptop, and reapply her makeup. All of this was only mildly annoying until she showed up with boiled eggs instead of her typical stinky burrito wrapped in a lime-green tortilla.

A few problems with this situation: #1 The eggs were from the al a carte area in the student building. These eggs were pre-boiled and peeled and waiting in a baggy in a fridge. Who knows who peeled them, put them in the baggy, and how long they'd been there… #2 After sitting in a baggy all morning, the eggs appeared to be quite slippery, which can be a problem when you're eating them in class. #3 In case I didn't make this point clear enough: Boiled eggs stink!

So each day, after situating herself and reapplying her makeup, she'd peel open the baggy and pull out a slimy egg to enjoy during class. She'd leave one egg in the bag and place that on top of her backpack to stare at me through the remainder of class. I found it increasingly difficult to concentrate. The thought of her sitting in front of me with a slimy boiled egg in her hands, fighting not to drop it on her desk, made me sick. The class would be discussing gender roles and all I could think was, "Is anyone else seeing/smelling this? And why won't she put the remaining egg into her backpack so I don't have to stare at it all day?"

It continued throughout the semester. I don't know what made her switch from room-temperature burritos to said eggs, but I lamented the days that she would messily eat the mildly stinky burritos. And the worst, her grubby egg-soiled hands would then hand me back papers. Sick.

Maybe I’m a super jerk. Maybe public consumption of boiled eggs isn’t that big of a deal. But, I dare say that it is a big deal.

Where's my Slide Rule?

Whelp, I'm a boring blogger. I feel obligated to write a little something (because I'm sure you've all been losing sleep over my lack of regular posts). Also, I never include exciting photos. So, here's a post...with some photos. (Granted, I never told you that the photos are great or have any relevance to anything).

I Hold the Following Truths to be Self-Evident:

1. I might as well have been born in 762 B.C. (B.C.E. for you history snobs). If you looked at my extreme lack of technological know-how, you would think I was a cave woman that accidentally transported herself to the present. I'd like to change the music on my blog, but I can't quite remember how. I'm still figuring out how to include such widgets and gadgets as "photos." (For some reason, every time I hear the word gidgets or gadgets, I'm reminded of a certain "Barney Bag" song from Barney and Friends--I'm not gonna lie, there's a slight chance that Alicia and I created our own version). I joined the friend-connecting world of Facebook, yet I can't quite figure it out. Is it really good for anything other than spying on people? (Not that I'm a creepy online spy, of course.) Finally, my lack of texting skills is bound to out me as a traitor to my generation. I think a grizzly bear wearing mittens could compose a text message much faster than myself. Slide rule anyone? I just can't get used to all this new-fangled technology.

2. Few things in life are better than cats wearing clothing. Although, family photos with said cats are a tiny bit better.

3. Homemade dioramas are bound to make a comeback in 2009. If you're at all familiar with Duchesne County, you'll definitely recognize this one--I think it's remarkably accurate and life-like.

4. Online Boggle and online Scrabble are the best discoveries I've made so far in 2009 (they're gonna be hard to top).

Anywho, just like this boring rant, my life has entered a semi-boring phase, which is a good thing of course. I'm now working full time, doing a 9-5, contributing to society, call it what you will. I'm able to do a little writing, a little editing, a little accounting (okay, that's kinda the bane of my existence, but who can complain with all the "credit crunches," "mortgage crises," and "Dow Jones drops" going on out there). (Though, I'm almost more worried about society's excessive use of cliches and buzz words--but that's just the nerdy know-it-all speaking.)

Have a Nice Life

As I was turning in my mass comm law final last week, my professor simply said, "Have a nice life." I thought, "I will now that I'm done with your class." However, it did seem kinda odd to just acknowledge that we'll never see each other again. No tears. No sappy goodbyes. Just have a nice life. It's crazy how quickly people come and go in your life. There are some that you think you'll remain in contact with forever that just disappear off the face of the earth, and there are others that you assume are out of your life forever that mysteriously reappear. Perfect example: I had a class with the younger sister of my childhood friend this semester. Mind you, I moved from that neighborhood in 1991 (17 years ago)! And I haven't spoken to the friend since circa 1993 when we shared an awkward 10-year-old phone call about her wanting a telescope for her birthday. We didn't recognize each other at first, but then we each noticed the other person's last name on their computer screen. I never thought I'd run into a friend from my Salt Lake years again, but I found myself sitting next to her a couple times a week.

"Have a nice life" seemed hugely appropriate for last week. It was my last week of college (barring any surprise course failures) and the last week at my dental office job. It's crazy that life can drastically change so quickly. Last week I was contemplating driving off a cliff (which is usually the case at the end of a semester), and wondering how it would feel to know that I no longer worked at the place I've been for almost four years. Fast forward a week, and school's done (feels like history already), and my now full-time job at the Wasatch Journal feels as natural as can be. (It helps that I've been at the WJ in some capacity for months now.)

I'd like to write an introspective, intellectual summation of my college experience, but for now I'm glad it's done, and I'm licking my college-induced wounds (being, of course, a constant sense of anxiety over incomplete assignments, perpetual drowsiness, and a year's worth of dirty laundry). Healing will come, I'm sure. And when I feel like it, I'll share my words of collegiate wisdom. And if everyone's really lucky, I'll share some of my favorite college tales: that of my boiled-egg-eating arch nemesis and the tale of my compliment-showering stalker. Another day...

It's Official

I'm officially a published author!! I received a copy of our new issue of the Wasatch Journal yesterday, and what lovely surprise did I find on page 114? My article! Well, it obviously wasn't an actual surprise, but what a great feeling to see my name in print. I've been a part of the entire process for this issue--writing one of the articles, proofing the whole issue. It's great to have a physical representation of the work I've been doing for the past few months. With a lot of jobs, you do all the work and never have anything tangible to show for it, so it's really rewarding to open a box of freshly printed magazines that are polished, finished versions of the work you've been toiling and debating over for months.

Around 2 years ago, I decided I wanted to go back to school. I still wasn't exactly sure what I wanted to major in, which was the reason I had taken a break in the first place. When it came down to deciding on a major, though, I just thought, " What would I enjoy? What job can I actually picture myself doing?" I didn't decide on a specific job, but I knew I could possibly see myself writing or editing. In fact, as I was getting closer to starting school again, I wrote a journal entry about liking the idea of writing for a magazine, but really having no idea how to even begin going about it. I came across this entry a few weeks ago, and what an incredible feeling to see myself accomplishing the lofty goals I had envisioned a couple years earlier.

I don't know what job (if any) I'll end up with after graduation, and I have a few hurdles to overcome before I'm officially done with school (classes, homework, finals). But at least for today, I can open my magazine, re-read my article for the millionth time, and feel at least an inkling of confidence that I'm on the right track.

Zombie Costume

To celebrate the fantastic holiday of Halloween, of which I'm an absolute fan (aside from scary movies, haunted houses, and things that are creepy in real life), I've decided I'll give everyone a sneak peek at my costume. This may not seem like a photo of a very convincing zombie, but let me explain.

Considering the fact that I've spread myself a bit too thin the past few months, I've been trying to find a good description of how I feel. It came to me today: I feel like a zombie. Definition of a zombie: someone who looks or behaves like an automaton (similar to a robot); according to voodoo belief, a corpse that has been revived by a supernatural power; an animated corpse; a person who is listless or machine-like; a tall mixed drink made of various rums, liquors, and fruit juice (okay, this definition may be a stretch...I don't really feel like a mixed drink, though ask me in a few weeks and I might have a different answer).

It seems that the common image one's mind conjures when thinking of zombies is a fairly grotesque corpse-like being, dragging his body around, begging for "brains." Whelp, as of late, due to ridiculously useless attempts at sleep (which I'll get to in a minute), I look semi-corpse-like. Also, my brain seems to be turning into mush--I can't remember what day it is, I find myself staring into space quite a bit, and I'm finding it more and more impossible to focus (mainly with homework, of course). So I wouldn't put it past myself to start wandering the streets looking for spare brains.

As far as the whole sleep thing goes, I, along with my sisters, have some ridiculous issues with sleeping. Number 1: insomnia. It's been a problem for the last 6 or so years. I'm often jealous when new moms say their children are up 2-3 times a night--that would be a great night sleep for me. Secondly, as my sisters can both understand and attest to, I seem to lose all logic once I enter REM. I scream a lot--sometimes because of weird dreams, sometimes for no reason at all. And as of late, any anxiety I'm feeling chooses to rear its ugly head between the hours of 12:06 am and around 4:30 am. I wake up with a start, often exclaiming something like, "crap," "oh no," or more choice words. I then stare at the clock forever. Fearing that I've slept in or missed something important, my eyes see the correct time, but my brain refuses to register that it's the middle of the night and I can go back to sleep. So, I just sit there, pondering the time...confused, sleepy, startled. Bleh, it's really quite a scene--kinda like a one-man, three-ring circus. And it literally happens every night--except Fridays and Saturdays, luckily for me.

Needless to say, I should really only have about 8 more weeks of zombie-dom. Then, I'll graduate and hopefully the school will return my brain when they give me my diploma. Until then, don't be alarmed if there's word of zombies in the area--it's likely that it'll just be me counting down the days to my graduation :)