That's Why I Call Them my Business Socks

I must warn you that this is an extremely long post--even longer than usual. Also, I'm not one to freely divulge much personal information (as opposed to random opinions, which I openly share). I'm not exposing my inner most feelings or anything, but a personal detail I hate to admit to...I'm looking for a job. There, I said it. Something about being "unemployed" makes me feel like a total loser and drain on society. However, I also have to say that I made a conscious decision to quit my last job to find something more stable, long-term, and specific to my interests/abilities. I’ve seen no lasting fruits from my job-hunting labor, and fear that this course will surely lead me down a gruesome path…I see myself in the future writing boring blog posts on a sporadic basis in sweatpants and puff-paint T-shirts, with my 40-plus cats increasingly appearing as subjects of my writing. Until I hit that point, I'll just mention a few thoughts on job hunting:

1. I have a specific type of job in mind that I would enjoy and excel at…a type of job that does exist in Utah, but sparsely. Is it so wrong to do something I enjoy in Utah instead of New York? I'm hoping there's a gray area between dropping everything in life to achieve one goal and giving up a dream to settle for a snuggly rut-of-a-life that's not quite right. Granted, I've definitely thrown around the idea of dropping everything and moving to New York, but I want it to be a choice, a conscious decision. Not my only career option.

2. Is there any way an economy down the crapper can right itself within weeks? I’m not loving the idea of record numbers of applications for every job—that is if there are job postings to begin with. Logically, I understand that it takes time for a recession to run its course and for an economy to recover from it, but is there any way we can kinda just speed this thing along?

3. I’ve succumbed to the fact that job hunting can make you feel like quite a loser, even with evidence to the contrary. A bachelor’s degree seemed pretty great in my mind, but it’s not a big deal when every other candidate has one. My measly experience seems decent for a recent college grad, but up against people with decades of experience, it’s apparently inconsequential.

4. The Resume. The Cover Letter. I think that scooping my eyeballs out of their sockets with a rusty spoon is more enjoyable than creating and updating my resume and cover letter. Just list your skills, education, and experience…simple enough, right? The myriad resume tips floating around out there have made me entirely paranoid about every word and punctuation mark. It seems as though every decision, including whether you use Times New Roman or Georgia as your font, may make or break your chance at an interview. "Helpful" Cover Letter tips include: Give them enough information to want to read your resume, but not too much. Impress upon them your absolute desire to work for their specific company (yet don’t sound too desperate). Show your personality, but remain professional. Lastly, express all of this without being too wordy--the hiring manager has better things to do than read cover letters all day. I'm considering the following for my resume (including the smiley emoticon): "Trust me when I say I’m qualified for this position (since that’s what you're doing anyway). I’ll knock your business socks off and rock your corporate world. Call me :)"

5. Job interview questions have become entirely routine and useless. They've turned legitimate interviews into games of facades where "correct" answers and appearances are valued more than sincerity. A job interview with the typical interview questions is the quickest way to learn absolutely nothing about a potential employee. When asked about personal weaknesses, does anyone answer with something like, “Well, I’m a horrible people person. I don’t get along with anybody, and I’m typically known as the gossip of the office.” Or, how about, “I’m a pretty lazy person. I procrastinate. I trick coworkers into doing my share of a project…” Similarly, questions like “Why should we hire you?” and “What will you bring to our company” just beg for insincere, generic answers. Why does every company have a handful of horrible employees—the lazy office sloth that never does their work, the office jerk that rubs everyone the wrong way? I’ll tell you why—it’s because lame, canned interview questions get lame, canned interview answers. I think it would make more sense to just have a natural conversation with a job candidate for 30 minutes or so, throwing in a few job-specific, sincere interview questions. If the person doing the interviewing can’t get a feel for a candidate with that, then they shouldn’t be doing the hiring.

6. Undue attention is paid to ridiculous details because it’s been drilled into our heads time and again that all of these tiny things matter more than what you actually have to offer. It's not about having positive skills, it's about selling what they're looking for. Sure, every employer would say they want good employees, but I don't think companies are following the correct hiring process to find great workers. That's why every company has its own collection of problem employees--faulty hiring practices ensure faulty employees.

So, in hopes of rambling a bit further, I'm including alternate careers I'm considering for myself:

1. Professional Know-it-All: (I’m a little bit serious about this. And if you know of any companies that truly hire for this sort of thing, let me know asap). Basically, I would hire myself out to go into a company and tell them what they should change. I realize this job exists in some capacity (professional consulting, or something). Or I might just make myself available for when people need to know random bits of info (although as I’m typing this, a certain thing called Google comes to mind). Truth is, I do this free of charge anyway…so if there’s a possibility I could get paid for it…

2. Professional firer. Now, this job truly exists in some capacity also, and I have to give Alicia some credit for this idea too, since we’ve discussed doing this together. This job would especially come in handy right now with all the firings going on. Basically, when a company is firing someone, they call me to do it—they don’t have to face the person. I’ll simply enter the person’s office, and say something like the following, “Mr. John Smith? Your services are no longer needed here. You have 30 minutes to clean off your desk. The company will send you your paycheck in the mail.” I'd stand there with my arms folded, ensuring they didn't cause a scene, then I would "see them out." Simple as that.

3. Professional crafter. You’ll simply give me a call when you want a craft completed. I’ll even keep it a secret if my clients prefer. I’ll deliver the carved pumpkins, decorated eggs, or mosaic pot, then they can display it like it was their own clever little project…I’ve gone ahead and thrown in a sample photo of my egg dying (sneaky way to insert my Easter photos, I know).
You might recognize that the egg in the photo closely resembles myself (I might just specialize in Personal Egg Portraits). Unfortunately, there was a mishap when creating some pants for Angie Egg. The face went fine. Hair, great. But when I was attempting to make some cute little blue pants, a slight slip of the fingers sent Angie Egg dunking into the blue dye—changing my skin from a rosy pink to an ill-looking purple…

4. Miniature Tree Trimmer. I recently returned from a trip to San Diego/Carlsbad. While we were debating whether the trees in Mini Land in Legoland were real or not, we came across some employees trimming them. I think I’d do just fine, nestling myself amid the trees in Mini Land. Though I don’t have previous mini tree trimming experience. Maybe I just need to tell them that I'm a team player and detail-oriented...(note the man near the buildings in the photo)

Warning: Problematic Treats Ahead

In the above photos, you'll see the most difficult treats to prepare in the world. Never mind that one consists of dipping an ice cream cone into cherry sauce, then chocolate, and the other is a matter of dropping a dollop of ice cream into a slushy. Don't be fooled by the seeming simplicity of the treats: they are virtually impossible to prepare correctly on your first try.

Complicated Treat #1: Double-dipped Ice Cream Cone. Tricky part: Dipping the cone in cherry, then chocolate.

Complicated Treat #2: Cherry Slushy with Dollop of Ice Cream. Tricky part: Dropping a blob of ice cream into a slushy.

Our trials and travails with the double-dipped cone go way back--back to a certain DQ in Scipio (or was it Fillmore? I can never remember which is which). An innocent-looking, strawberry-blond teenager was running the register that fateful day. Alicia and I were on our way to Las Vegas and thought we'd stop for a treat. We placed the order as we normally do:

"Can we get 2 small dipped cones? And can you dip them in cherry first, then chocolate?"

The girl looked at us like we were mob bosses asking her to "off someone" for us. She scratched her arm, looked at the coworkers busily working behind her. After finally consenting, she filled the first cone with vanilla like usual, then turned to us for reassurance before the dip of death.

"So cherry and chocolate?"

"Yep. Cherry first, then chocolate."

With our gentle coaxing, she got it right. The coworker who dipped the second cone got a little confused with the order--chocolate then cherry (but we let it slide as it was obviously a first for her). We could feel them eyeing us the whole time we enjoyed our cones.

On the way back from Vegas, the sweet tooth hit again. So, we stopped into the same DQ. For double-dipped cones, again. We placed our order with a different employee this time. As we said, "Yeah, but can you dip it in cherry, then chocolate," the strawberry-blond whipped her head around in shock (she was manning the fryalator--hoping to avoid troublesome guests like us). She took over from there--now experienced with this type of situation. Like the cold-blooded mob bosses we are, we watched to make sure the cones were correctly dipped.

These photos were taken after a recent jaunt to visit some sweet little baby goats. I mean, who doesn't have ice cream cravings after watching baby farm animals? The order went like this:

Ryan: "Can I get a cherry slushy with some vanilla ice cream in it?"

Alicia: "Can I get a dipped cone, but instead of just chocolate, can you dip it in cherry first, then chocolate?"

The girl at the register assured us this wouldn't be a problem, and after the 5 minutes is took her to enter it in the register, an employee emerged from the back with a plain cherry slushy and a dipped cone...in cherry only. Another 5 minutes of pure confusion later, they finally got it right, and made sure they charged an additional $1.00 for the scoop of vanilla ice cream in the slushy. The manager then came out with an order he assumed to be ours, but the 16-year-old employee at the register quickly corrected him. "That's mine," she said.

Are we wrong to ask for two dips--cherry then chocolate? Is it a difficult question to understand? I suppose it won't be a surprise when a new heading appears in the DQ training manual: "Dealing with Mob-boss Customers. You Don't Have to Double-dip." Until that happens, I'm going to continue ordering my troublesome cones. They're delicious, and should you decide to try one for yourself, just remember to gently walk the DQ employee through the process. "Yep, just twist that vanilla onto the cone like usual. Good. Now dip it into the cherry sauce. Good. Now the chocolate..."